New Segment: My Life As A....

Today I've decided I'd do a new segment to showcase what life would be like if I was a character in a different game series. To begin this series off, I've decided I would be a character....

In the Final Fantasy Series.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My life as a Final Fantasy character would begin as me as a freelancer starting off in a random huge plain surrounded by several small rats that are two levels higher then me.

Turn one... Bite. Fucked.

I would end up in the nearby town where I'd awake to some guy telling me about some fucking crystals that have the power to save the world. I mean, really? Crystals with that much power? Why can't they ever be pawn-able crystals to make a huge sum of cash. No... they have to be the kind that sets of a chain of events that will end up with some dude whose 90 levels above me.

Okay.... let's check... Sword, Buckler, Clothing and Boots.... What am I? A fucking reject blacksmith?

Adventure begins....

(7 hours after beginning)

I've leveled sufficiently enough to choose a job that makes me no money other then pilfering monsters. I mean.... why should I even pick one?...

I'm now a Black Mage and have somehow found 3 other people to join my incredibly vague adventure to save the world from a yet unknown threat...

Damnit! I have to learn all these spells and go back to every fucking village I've visited and to restock and buy spells!? Fuck this....

~Random Battle: Dragon. Level 40~

Wait so now I'm back at level 1!?

Turn 1: Fire Breath. Game Over....

Fuck this. I'm going home.

AJ vs ???: The Witch from Left 4 Dead

Today I bring you another intricate look at yet another famous video game character. She's incredibly famous for being able to one shot kill you if you piss her off. And a woman with an infinite period ought not to be pissed off. Ladies and Gentleman... The Witch.



AJ: Welcome to New York, how is it different from the suburban environment you came from?
Witch: Wrrraaaaaooooh!
AJ: Fascinating. Many people misunderstand you. Why do you believe that's so?
Witch: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH!
AJ: I see. That's quite sad.

For an hour we sit as she shows me a photobook of her youth before the sad events that claimed her youth and looks. It's clear that she's suffered from constant vaginal leaking and getting shot in the head by overzealous gamers.

AJ: Some people have said that you tend to aim for the heart because you've had your heart broken.
Witch: ~begins to cry~
AJ: Here you go. ~hands napkins~
Witch: Arrrooooo.
AJ: Did he violate you?
Witch: ~cries once more~

We visit her house in New Jersey where she stays in between rounds of late night gaming sessions. HEr house is the picture of a would be house wife. It's clean and well kept. There's no sign of children despite the size. She has 4 dogs and her neighbors speak highly of her.

AJ: Why this job?
Witch: ARRRRRRRRAAAAAAGGHHH!!!
AJ: Couldn't you have picked another profession?
Witch: Arrrroooo.... Ugh...
AJ: How did being a Vegas call girl work for you.
Witch: GRRRRRRUUUUU.
AJ: You impaled all of them? Was the sex that bad.
Witch: BRRRUUUUUA!!!

As she leaves she impales our camera man and leaves us with a reminder that she is indeed a bitch. I mean witch.

New Segment: AJ vs. ???

In this new segment that took almost a month to make, I'll be interviewing many different characters from the video game world. This first one is dedicated to the most famous of all characters whose has more Mushroom Trips then any other person on earth.... Mario...


AJ: Welcome Mario, it's a pleasure to speak with you.
Mario: It's a pleasure, paizano.

AJ: So Mario, the question on everyone's mind is... What the fuck is up with those mushrooms.
Mario: The mushroomsa make you biggger. Then you can crush all the little people.
AJ: Everything gets bigger?
Mario: Everything. (winks)

AJ: Mario, you have save Peach countless times by running through many castles. We gotta ask, did you score?
Mario: I got the High Score.
AJ: I think you missed the point.

AJ: Mario, is it true your brother is a closet homosexual?
Mario: Luigi.... he's a special boy. It takes skill to jump that high and spin like that. But, we always knew he was different. That's why ma ma always treated him like he was special. (hands me picture of baby Luigi wearing pink.)
AJ: Have you ever caught him catching any weird items on your adventures?
Mario: Yes. A long black thing shaped like a stick and it wobbled.

AJ: Many people wonder if your relationship with Yoshi is friend or master.
Mario: Mario will not take this abuse. Yoshi come from a fucking box that has an egg in it. What do you think!?
AJ: That you should but that fire flower down.
Mario: I'm leaving.


Needless to say, Mario was an interesting interview. Leave a comment to see who I should interview next time.